I finally get in the groove of life. Although my main job currently requires long hours, it helps keep me motivated every morning to get up and go. The people I work with are also great. I only hope that success and blessings are upon this place for all of our sakes. As those closest to me know, I'm at my best when I'm at my busiest - not necessarily just with work but with social life and even romance. I also recently got myself a cute brand new car that makes me smile every time I look at it. For other people, I can understand how my life would look pretty wonderful at the moment. Since I don't feel the same way, I feel pretty guilty.. Can you be blamed for feeling unhappy just because there are other people who want what you have but aren't blessed to have them?
After reading quite a few books, articles, and talking to both psychologists and spiritual teachers, the question still remain. What's real happiness? I'm talking about that feeling of deep peace and comfort in every aspect of your life knowing you're loved and that everything is good... I used to think that women whose goals are to settle down and have a family sound pretty sad. Especially the fact that a lot of these women are smart independent career women. I'm absolutely a traditionalist but I'm also ambitious in nature. I wanted more than just a simple life - and no, I'm not talking about materials achievements only. However after such roller coaster rides in my young age, a simple life is the best I could ask for...
Until last year, I never thought I could be so unhappy in life. Yes yes... I get down - sometimes really down!, I get tired, sad, and blah blah blah... mostly when life gets tough. However, I always just get back up and be energetic when life takes a beautiful turn. So, how could I suddenly be awaken to the fact that I'm living a life that is way off my dreams and plans since I was a teenage girl? A life I know very clearly that I want.
Many people will look at my life and tell me I'm ungrateful for being sad. I understand why... And believe me, I thank God every day for my lovely cats (not so lively right now as I'm writing this because they're attacking each other and I'm running around to stop them after typing every third word). I thank God every day for my jobs, I smile every time I see how cute my car is, and for every other miracles I've received in my life. I'm happy with my home in a humble cottage style house and working for a family business instead of a big corporation. Of course, I'd be miserables without all the things I have in my life at the moment...
However, I can't force myself to be content living a life where the most important aspects of my dreams and wishes are not present in my life. Ironically, this feeling of discontentment happens after experiencing opposite ends of life. One end where I was living a great life of walking into a beauty parlour anytime I feel like, enjoying fine dining and expensive handbags. The other end where I could barely afford a roof over my head, treatment for illness and had to leave on milk and chicken bones instead of cuts of meat for protein. Most people would think after such experiences, one would do everything they could to get the flashy life back and intact. Yet for me, a job with lower salary but great environment feels like a big blessing and friendships and romance are wishes come true. Without any money life is miserable but without all these intangibles and non-materials things, life feels pretty bloody empty...
Now just for reflection purpose, I'd like to tell the story of a woman who called a radio station because she can't decide whether to stay or to leave her bankrupt husband. She feels strongly that she wants to leave because "I didn't sign up for this. I fell in love with him because of his ambition and success." Most people would start to think that it might be her husband's depression that drives her away. That is until she kept repeating the fact that she didn't sign up for a life in a rented house, driving second hand car, and working as a receptionist. The fact that her financially difficult childhood made her vow to marry someone who will provide fancy living with first class travels, top designer handbags, a house at one of Australia's most expensive streets, and a firework show for their child's fifth birthday.
I found myself swearing at her while driving to work listening to this radio segment. I was so angry of how ungrateful she's of having her husband and family. Instead, she's considering the fact that with her good look she still can find another rich man. Then I stopped and thought; what if she really is unhappy with her life? Don't get me wrong, I still think she's absolutely shallow and would not want to befriend anyone like that. I wouldn't be able to trust someone like that to begin with... I just want to point out the fact that, perhaps happiness isn't necessarily something you can just create. Gratitude on the other hand, is a completely conscious choice to say 'Thank You' for all the blessings of things you have (aware of) in your life.
I enjoyed reading your post.
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